A little bit of background before I review. The author of this story is extremely popular and recently won a yearly award on one of their works. You'd expect that someone with millions of reads and votes and an obviously sizeable fanbase, they'd be able to handle some real criticism.

And you'd be wrong.

Within hours of leaving a few sarcastic comments on the author's most popular story where I told about how unrealistic the main character felt, how there was too much repetition in some places and I hoped the story got better as I progressed, I was blocked. Unsatisfied with just that, the author then proceeded to post a screenshot of me on their twitter complaining about it, with the caption "I LOVE IT WHEN I SLAY PEOPLE". You can see on my Wattpad wall the exchange we had. I think it speaks for itself.

With that out of the way, here's the review itself.


If I could sum up this entire piece in one word, it would be "clumsy".

To start, there's quite a bit of unnecessary stylistic choices that seem to be intended for emphasis, such as lines being separated from paragraphs when they don't need to be. A very glaring problem for me was the amount of italicized words. Some font changes here and there for emphasis is fine, but it should be rare, or else it loses its effect and looks lazy. There should be no more than one on each page, not a few every paragraph or in every other line of dialogue.

Also, the dialogue. I'm not going to pull any punches here. It's pretty bad. With lines like "There are children here! Do not corrupt their innocent minds!" (What is this, a fantasy novel?), "I'm hipster that way..." (Yeah, teenagers totally talk like that.) and "I'm not really in the mood to drag your ugly ass corpse through the snow." (Who speaks to their boyfriend like that?), it's contrived and, like I said, clumsy. And there's way too much swearing with no provocation. A thorough rewrite could save it, but as is, I'd say the dialogue is what needs improvement the most.

Another fault is the attempt at an erotic scene halfway through. Having read and written some myself before, I can say pretty confidently that it's very badly written. Erotic content should not be written in purple prose. It could easily be taken out or shortened to a single sentence and the story would only benefit from it.

Moving on, the story as a whole suffers one more major problem- there's no real conflict. Apart from the brief moment of urgency when the MC thinks her boyfriend is injured, there's none. It's just awkwardly-written fluff mixed in with the usual nobody-cares-about-how-much-your-life-sucks melodrama that permeates a lot of first-person teen narratives. (Which is why I usually write in third person, easier to avoid the kind of sarcastic commentary about a character's life when they themselves are the ones TELLING YOU THE STORY.) Literally all that happens is MC goes skiing with her boyfriend, then they go back to a friend's house and open Christmas gifts. That's all. This isn't a story, it's a fragment of one. At most.

So all in all, not much to like here. I guess I like how at least the main characters were identifiable, and there did seem to be a lot of heart put into this. It just came out rather badly in my opinion, but on the other hand, there are no problems here that are not fixable. A thorough edit or two to repair the awkward prose/dialogue and the addition of more pathos or conflict to make this feel more like a story would help it a lot. As is, it's mediocre. Far from something godawful like Blood Whistle, but nothing I would call special or read again.


And to the author, since I know sooner or later you're gonna come across this:

You are not immune from criticism because you have a bigger following than most people your age. You are not above negative opinions just because you label them "hatred". You really, seriously need to accept that NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO LOVE WHAT YOU DO. And if you're so sensitive that some nobody basement-sweller saying a few nasty things upsets you to the degree that you have to block me and attack me from afar, then you're not going to go far outside the world of Wattpad with your writing.

Since you treat everyone who doesn't kiss the ground you walk on as idiots who are too blind to see the sheer genius of your talent, I'm going to say this.

Be grateful you have attention. Be grateful that you have people actually fucking reading what you are putting out and saying that they like it. Because guess what? I don't have that. Tons of writers don't have that. Lots of us will NEVER have that. Lots of us are going to be stuck putting our hearts and souls into our writing and no one, much less millions of people, are ever going to read it.

I hope now you can understand where I am coming from.