FANDOM


Author's note: This is partially satirical in nature. It's basically a review, but it's also a mockery in a way that I'm being sarcastic. If this offends you, that's not my problem. I mean, seriously, Dawkson's Cave was anti-religious. You can deal with this if you can deal with that. Reader discretion is advised.

So, I'm here to tell you about the most horrifying experience of my life. I, an atheist, watched Kids Praise 5. Honestly, this was something that Jack Chick wrote while he was on an acid trip from dropping a full gallon jug of LSD. It has to be. There is nothing about this experience that was not terrifying or absolutely disgusting.

It starts off with an image of a cartoon book. Makes ya think "Okay, so it'll be a cartoon." Nope. It's not. It's Live action. The book walks on screen and asks if you want to accompany him on a camping trip; this is obviously rhetorical. I said "DEAR GOD NO PLEASE" and it happened anyways. So it goes to the next scene.

One of the things I'd like to note is that children are terrible actors. These children are worse. First one jumps up excited about a belt that his dad gave him and the book confuses the terms. Note that you can clearly hear him say "utility belt". Then this one kid gets up and starts complaining away about having to watch his sister. What does the book do? He says one line. ONE. FUCKING. LINE. Somehow, telling the kid that his parents think he's growing up immediately convinces him that babysitting his sister on a camping trip with an obviously pedophiliac book is a good thing.

Then they're about to hike up a mountain so they start praying and yada-yada. The girl who leads asks God to stick some lions and tigers from the forest into a zoo for one night - not that, you know, that would fuck up the ecosystem or anything, considering they probably should not be in a deciduous forest in America in the first place. After that, they start singing this song. Somehow, it's about Jesus, but it has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus; but it's still about Jesus. Trust me, at this point, I think I took a pound of meth in my coffee rather than sugar and somehow did not notice.

Then this guy in a dog suit shows up. To make matters worse, that's the anthropomorphic pedo-book's dog. Yeah. A man. In a dog suit. Some things are meant to be animated, not live action. This would be one of them. The book then mentions he's always getting into trouble, prompting me to immediately ask "Oh, I wonder why?"

At this point, I'm looking down at my floor saying "All these squares make a circle, all these squares make a circle, all these squares make a circle..."

Then there's more singing about Jesus in a song with nothing to do with Jesus. Then the man in a dog suit howled. Apparently, it's a "Howl-aleughia". Yeah. Then there's more terrible child acting - kids complaining that their feet hurt and yada-yada. So they decide to stop for a minute to have some... did he say gore? I could've swore he said gore. Yeah. All these squares make a circle. All these squares make a circle... All these squares make a circle...

Then Psalty (Book pedo) gets his hat stolen. By the dog. Man. Dog. Man dog. He gets it back, but he complains it's all wet (note that dog man carried it with his "paws"). Then there's bible talk. Conveniently, it leaves out God killing millions of people so people could overcome challenges. And then there's something about memorizing verses via the Alphabet. THIS MAKES NO SENSE.

By the way, it's a musical. And the songs are utterly terrible. These kids CANNOT sing. Seriously. They can't. Also convenient: They try to portray it as a "go to heaven by good works thing" when it clearly states the opposite in their bible. And then there's that "Honor thy parents" thing. Cause, ya know, clearly you want to honor your parents even if they're abusive jackasses. Moral dissonance is the best!

After this point, the kids are clearly having no fun. Of course, naturally, Book Pedo is going to fix that. Of course, there's also the violation of common sense. A kid asks if he can call his mom to pick him up. In the middle of the forest. On top of a mountain. These kids are quite clearly not that intelligent for their age. Most would be at least nine.

And that brings up "OH TRUST IN GOD TO HELP CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN." Another shoehorned Christian moral. I guess it's supposed to be heartwarming. By the way. We're only halfway through the horror of this badly written children's camping tale/child indoctrination tool. And then they finally make it up the mountain. More God-praising. For something THEY DID THEMSELVES. In the middle of the song some random ass people in fursuits and tree-costumes appear. Yeah. All these squares make a circle...

Now, the book pedo starts talking about how he loves camping (I wonder why?). Then he goes through this very terrible method of teaching kids how to pitch tents. Again. Another shoehorned Christian moral: Do everything for God! Not for other people or for your own benefit, but for the guy who is omnipotent and wants you to kiss his ass!

One of the things I've noticed: Whenever they sing, they rarely actually solve the problem. The problem just magically fixes itself. Jeebus?

They also have this tendency to shoehorn Jesus into actual morals and act like he's needed for the simplest tasks.

Two kids get lost in the forest. IT TAKES THEM FIVE HOURS TO NOTICE. FIVE HOURS. And now, for more terrible acting. AND OH GOD NO A RELIGIOUS CAMPFIRE SONG. Book pedo has a fake guitar... All these squares make a circle...

And then a child cries. Because of a night light. AND OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT THING? Farley McFirefly? What the hell? Oh, shit. They're making way for another Jesus-shoehorn. Because remember, kids, Jesus is responsible for all of your accomplishments! I guess that goes hand in hand with doing everything for him, right?

AND THEN THEY FINALLY NOTICE THE KIDS MISSING. THE KIDS ARE FIVE FEET AWAY. AND THEN EVERYONE PRAYS. FIVE FEET AWAY!!!! And then they sing an ending song.

This is somehow the most horrifyingly bad thing I've seen in a very long time. Seriously. You have to watch this to find out how horrible it really is. 0/10. I can't even be generous to this. Please, just let me turn it off. I beg you.



Reviewed by Senjumaru Shutara