This is an amazing story, not a surprise since it was done by the Lycanthrope. Well, I hope this review is as good as the story!
Good Assets - The Q & A was a nice format for this to be done in, because in kept it more unpredictable fashion. While in most pastas, there is small hints of what is going to happen, but constricting him with questions was a good move. It kept reading exciting.
While your twist on the tale is amazing. It was something unique, something to be excited about indeed.
I think it was able to contain some moments where you could literally feel the emotion rising in that house.
This was wasn't hard to visualize, which is something I'm not able to do with most pastas. And the fact you joined the HHS just to write this reassured me that this was going to be something to read.
As mentioned on my TP, there were some grammatical errors, but those added to the story.
What was really able to hit home was how realistic it was. I'm not talking about how demons are realistic and such, I'm talking about the way it was told. I can imagine the way his voice would speed up and slow down in some parts.
Truly a good read.
Bad Assets - Ok, let's start with something that really bothered me. The part where he describes the Virgin Mary, that sounded like he was being a lot more... deliberate. It didn't sound like anything else he had said. It sounded like he didn't like to over-describe things, which was good in this tale. But at that part, by using "A relatively common image. Yet her eyes appeared to be bleeding, the blood running down her cheeks like crimson tears." It changed the way he says things.
That was way too descriptive, compared to the rest of the story. While it was a Humbolt style sentence, it wasn't a Daniel style sentence.
I would recommend changing it to "It seemed natural enough. Besides the red streaks running down the sides of the figure, those gave me the shivers." Or something like that. Just not too... Fancy. I also think you could expand on the concept of her being a devil-worshipper, and add some darker things.
I would now like to talk about Nightingale. I think it could have expanded on his true being a little more by showing small glimpses of dark behavior, or feeding habits. The Empress could also have temporary servants, who went missing after being seen with Nightingale. I think that taking away his ability to speak added character, but took away a lot of ability to show that the transformation was going to occur.
If that was added that in, the pasta could have it where he only spoke to the Empress. Also, he could have heard them one time speaking in strange tongues. Then he looked through a... keyhole (I don't know) and saw them sitting across from each other with a circle of candles, or something like that.
I don't understand why it had the electronic piano in there. Was it supposed too show how Nightingale was secluded? I think it would've been creepier if it happened when he was pushed away by one of the warriors, then when Daniel was focusing on the real battle, he came back as the demon. Author had a different view on story, and this has been sorted out.
Also, how did Daniel instantly know that the monster was Nightingale? It could've been one of the girls, or one of the guests. How did he know?
Why didn't the Empress fire Nightingale if he wasn't doing anything? I didn't seem like the Empress would tolerate such behavior.
TL;DR The story was amazing, just there is some things to improve on.
All in all, 78/100. I would give you a higher score is there wasn't so many questions.
Please comment if there's anything I could improve on! Thanks! Mudkip out.
Reviewed by CrazyWords