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I have seen "hell". Not that I was some fuckin' piece-of-shit, waste-of-space, perverted lady-pedophile with alcohol in my pockets- no, I SENT MYSELF THERE one night. I recall that I was about to pass out in an alcoholic coma, so I gave myself a tranquilizer shot to further numb the pain. Next I gave myself a shot of metal in the cranium, and to this day my bedroom floor is still stained with bloody pieces of my chewy little brain.

I woke up three days later, but not in my bedroom- and my 57% alcohol bottle wasn't there! Freaking out, I thought at first I was hallucinating, and all those bleeding and ripped-up people were just figures of my imagination. Then I started to run, and I slipped in a three-inch deep puddle of blood. When I looked up again I saw I was in this butler-mansion environment. It was brightly lit, but the floors were crusted with blood and other shit that comes out of people. Most horrifying of all, there wasn't a drop of liquor anywhere. It was right then that I knew where I must be.

I was in hell. No, there were no motherfuckers burning in fire or devil goin' around poking you in the ass- there was only people doing that. Just some bitches and assholes and a whole lotta fucking torture.

One particular black-haired asshole was just kind of standing there, and when I got closer I saw he was bleeding out a hairy obese woman. (It was fucking Helena. So glad she's in hell!) I asked if I could get a beer anywhere, and he just laughed at me. He handed me a really big knife and then threw me to the side like I was a disabled puppy, even though I'm proud of all 96 of my pounds. He was so damn strong! Then, he dragged in a girl who looked a hell of a lot like my mum. She was kinda tied up and she looked really pissed, and I was then told this:

"You, Severa, are here to do my job with me."

Thinking he was referring to sex, I was about to oblige when he said I was supposed to kill this little lady. I totally didn't want to. I said, "I really don't wanna do that." He didn't listen and he said if I didn't, he would fucking burn me. So I cut the girl's throat, but when she started bleeding so much I got so freaked out... I puked all over the floor and ended up fainting. Sleeping in my own vomit is absolutely nothing new- I even kind of like it now- but all that goddamn blood just felt like some shit up a fucking newborn baby's sweet little white ass.

This went on for at least three times- kill, bleed, vomit, and pass out. I finally said, "NO, I don't wanna fucking do this anymore!" The boy rolled his eyes and then punched me in the chest multiple times. It didn't hurt until I saw he was using another huge butcher knife, and then I fell down again in a puddle of other people's blood and vomit. My twin feminine characteristics were literally falling apart... Pretty nasty...

But my body wouldn't magically regenerate itself like those hell nuts say it does. I woke up still in pain from my wounds, and they still bled and it still felt like watching The 120 Days of Sodomizing Salo or some shit like that! Even when my skin was burned off once Leo tested a torch for heat against my skin... the burn would not heal. I was a bloody, burned mess long before I found a way out. I felt so sickened with agony and so scared of Leonardo and his creepy-as-fuck girlfriend, 'Farina', that I started looking for a rope.

I eventually hung myself from the ceiling fan. (Because I like to be dramatic.) When I woke up I was in my own bed, with a bottle next to me and my head bleeding like fuck. I called 911, the doctors came, they scooped me up, and I survived. They said I just had an NDE; but it must be just a coincidence that almost everyone who has an NDE ends up in HELL WHEN THEY DIE! (By the way, I had a whole lot of fun once I got outside the hospital- there was a crowd of abortion protestors, and one doctor had an automatic machine gun in his pocket. Fuckin' greatness, I tell you what!)

And that hell is completely real. I, the Snarky Sex Ninja, submit to you that if you ever succeed in offing yourself, be it by bullet, rope, pills or whatever- then you ARE GOING to this hell. I will be there, stabbing you in the ass for all eternity next to Leonardo, watching him sodomize some poor unfortunate soul with another unlubricated banana. Okay, he doesn't really do that, but he'll still shove a sword between your legs and try to rip out your intestines with it. Those two hell-spawn can torture you and torture you until your body literally can't take it anymore .You will feel EVERY BIT of it! It won't be pretty and it won't be fun, so DON'T FUCKING KILL YOURSELF, EVER! This is the only warning I can give you... so for the love of the Devil, take it to heart.

Satan bless,


*This document has been verified as factual and accurate by the local popo.*

PS- Why do we always seem to draw the line at sexual violence? I'll have you know that you won't ever have any sexual experiences of any kind when you go to hell. You can't even play with your toys there.

Written by Grizzly Bear